Catfoodbreath: Furry. Feline. Fabulous. | everything's better with cats

420

Posted on April 19, 2012 by CFB

April 20. 420. A cat counterculture holiday. A day to gather and enjoy Nepeta cataria. Cats around the world will be scheduling time to indulge in a little Meowie Wowie.

dude....

I want everyone to know that I have a prescription for catnip from a licensed veterinarian, and Thing One and Thing Two obtain my product from a legal dispensary. I have a documented health issue that is best treated with medicinal catnip. I am not advocating any illegal activity. If you can’t enjoy your nip without a sploof, you shouldn’t be doing the nip.

My favorite way to get a little nepetalactone is to just do up some unprocessed weed. There’s nothing like a good roll in your stash. I’m fond of catnip consumables and have many accessories laced with dank kitty ganga.

this dude's been hitting the nip

My home is very 420 friendly, with multiple baggies in the house at any given time. Where does the term “420″ come from in the catnip subculture, you ask? A group of very cool cats in the 70′s with a catnip garden liked to meet post-afternoon nap to enjoy some high times. They used the slang term “4:20″ to slip away from their dog, who would need an hour or two to figure out what time the cats were going to party.

Enjoy your 420, dude. Always use catnip in a responsible manner.

nice stash, dude

photo credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lambj/4653468321/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/nicora/293574031/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/cygnus921/2611964620/

Posted in cat, catfoodbreath, catnip, Uncategorized | Tagged 420, cat, catfoodbreath, catnip, weed | 2 Comments

Tipsy Nip Tuna Sushi Cat

Posted on April 14, 2012 by CFB

Ever since Tipsy Nip Organic Catnip Products announced that I was the official Tipsy Nip Tuna Sushi cat, I’ve been preparing for my official duties. I assume that being named the Tipsy Nip Tuna Sushi Cat (TNTSC) is a bit like being crowned Miss America, with flowers, a tiara, parades, speaking appearances, waving, and lots of photo opportunities.

I don't do tiaras

I haven’t discussed this with my sponsors yet, but I will probably eat the flowers I’m given and I’m not ever going to wear a tiara. I can sleep through a parade of any length, and I’ve always been photogenic. However, I don’t assume I am prepared. I have been working hard at gearing up for my spokescat role. Here’s my training to date:

they don't make tiaras that fit kitty ears well

April 10: Announcement of Official TNTSC status is made. I am overcome with emotion and have to spend the next 24 hours on the couch.

April 11: I devour as much Tuna Sushi as I possibly can, and then spend the rest of the day on the couch.

April 12: Nap, eat Tuna Sushi, nap, repeat.

April 13: Eat Tuna Sushi, nap, eat Tuna Sushi, repeat.

April 14: A full day devoted to the couch and eating Tuna Sushi.

April 15: Meet with my accountant to discuss tax deductions for my role as the TNTSC.

That’s it so far. I’ll keep you posted. If you want to ship a few cases to my place, I’ll autograph the jars and return them* to you. http://shop.pupcatbakery.com/product.sc?productId=13
_______________________________________________

*the jars, not the contents. You understand.

photo credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cwinters/5495535821/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/nibbula/214300282/

Posted in branding, cat, catfoodbreath, catnip, couch, tuna | Tagged cat, catfoodbreath, Miss America, tiara, Tipsy Nip, tuna sushi | 1 Comment

Tough Day on the Couch

Posted on April 11, 2012 by CFB

To the untrained eye, it looks like I just spend a lot of time sleeping on the couch. Not so! There’s a lot going on. Let me give you a detailed look at my real responsibilities:

8 – 9 am: Stretching. It’s important to warm up before a day on the couch. I try to take up a lot of space, lengthening my body, and limbering up for the rest of my activities. They’re slow stretches, not naps.

9 – 10 am: Yoga. It might look like a nap, but it’s really an intense practice of intentional poses designed to help me work on my spiritual insight and tranquility.

10 – 11 am: Meditation. My body looks still, but my mind is very focused.

This is not a nap

11 am – 12 noon: Pre-lunch secret cat stuff. I can’t go in to much detail, since it’s secret, but I can assure you it’s very important job, even though it might look a bit like a nap.

12 – 1 pm: Post-lunch. Cats absorb more nutrition from their meals if they hold still and let their digestive system concentrate on doing its thing.

1 – 2 pm: Planking. This is skill practice. I need to be as flat as possible, and hold the position for extended periods. I’m working my core and overall conditioning. This is not a nap.

2 – 3 pm: Shedding. Adding a layer of fur to the couch is like applying Scotchguard. You might think I’m napping, but I’m protecting the couch. Why do you think they call it FURniture, anyway?

3 – 4 pm: Sunbathing. Afternoon rays are good for the fur, and it’s critical to be very quiet for maximum absorption.

4 – 5 pm: Decorative elements. You know that worn, frayed spot on the couch that has all the cat fur on it? I’m covering it up for you, in case company drops in. I’m doing you a favor.

My workspace

5 – 6 pm: Pre-dinner secret cat stuff. See 11 AM.

6 – 7 pm: Dinner digestion. See 12 PM.

7 – 8 pm: TV. Even though you think I have my eyes closed, I’m really interested in the programming. This is not a nap.

8- 9 pm: Evening reflection. What looks like a nap is really a review of the day and preparation of tomorrow’s calendar. There’s serious planning going on here.

9 – 10 pm: Couch cushion duty. This action, which can seem like a nap, is really designed to flatten the sofa cushions and keep them in place.

10- 11 pm: Wind down. I use this hour to finish up tasks I didn’t get to during the day, like lying on my left side. This is a reflective hour to prepare for bed time.

11 pm – 12 midnight: Off to bed. I’m usually exhausted at this point, after a full day with no time for naps.

Photo credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/robinhutton/5389370856/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jmcphers/612656921/

Posted in catfoodbreath, catnip, couch, exercise, fitness, naps, occupycouch | Tagged catfoodbreath, cats, couch, naps, occupy the couch, work, yoga | Leave a comment

Occupy the Couch (Potato): Snuggles

Posted on April 8, 2012 by CFB

Here is Snuggles, the FIRST feline fan to submit a picture with an Official Occupy the Couch certificate!

The certificate has been available for months now, but, given the nature of Occupy Couch Participants, I’m surprised I got such a rapid response from anyone.

Snuggles, the first OTC fan!

It appears that Snuggles has a cat-themed couch… very chic.

If you would like your own OTC certificate: http://www.catfoodbreath.com/2011/11/27/official-occupy-the-couch-potato-status/

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Tax Time

Posted on April 7, 2012 by CFB

As April 15 approaches, I’m sure you are busy sorting through paperwork for the IRS. Cats don’t have to file taxes… ha ha.

Siamese, as you know, are very good at math. My friend Rico has been helping with the 1040 forms and financial planning at his house:

Rico says the "C" in CPA stands for "cat"

Posted in cat, catfoodbreath | Tagged 1040, cat, catfoodbreath, IRS, Siamese, taxes | Leave a comment

Why don’t cats drink coffee?

Posted on April 3, 2012 by CFB

Why don’t cats drink coffee? Are you afraid it will cut in to nap time? Or encouage more curtain climbing?

This is a picture of my friend Claudia enjoying some Starbucks. I’d like a venti whole lait au lait with steamed milk and three shots of cream, please.

Posted in cat, cats | Tagged cat, catfoodbreath, coffee, drink, Starbucks | 2 Comments

CFB Diet Plan: Whisker Watchers

Posted on April 3, 2012 by CFB

Whisker Watchers

I was trying to roll over on the couch the other day when I realized that a portion of my body, namely my tummy, was hindering my progress. I pondered whether I was getting a tad large, and if my fur was just a wee bit tight around the middle. I decided to check out a diet plan.

it's not flab, it's fur

Logging on to Weight Watchers, I decided the plan was so simple that even the Labradumb could follow it. Once you determine your goal number of “Points,” you just eat all day and do some simple math, adding up the quantity of Points for each of your meals.

Siamese are good at both snacks and math, so I knew this plan was made for me.

That is, until I tried to use the system. It turns out there’s no base number of Points for someone who might aim to weigh 12 pounds. There are no numerical values for foods I enjoy, like spiders. Frustrated by this famous diet plan’s inability to help me, I have created my own system: Whisker Watchers.

our scale is never accurate

As you all know, a cat judges whether or not it can fit through an opening by judging the space with its whiskers. Since the whisker test correlates with the size of the cat, keeping an eye on one’s facial feelers means you also keep the size of your tummy in check. This is a foolproof plan.

To determine your minimum Whisker Watcher intake, first calculate the number of hours per day you nap, or think about napping. Multiply this by 3 if you are a very athletic cat, or very cute. Add 20 points for every dog in your house, 10 points if you have a tail, 15 points if you can swivel your ears, and then round to the nearest number that makes sense to you. As an example, my minimum WW intake number is 165.

Next, use my Food Guide to keep track of your intake. Add up the values for everything you eat, and aim to keep your daily total above your minimum intake figure. Remember, breakfast foods are always “free,” so don’t count those.

Here are some common foods, and their corresponding values:

Large bug = 1
Small bug = 1
Mouse = 1
Chickadee = 1
Small can of cat food = 1
Large can of cat food = 1
Case of cat food = 1
Crunchy cat food, 1 cup = 1
Tuna sandwiches = 1
Things that sound French (e.g. caviar, fondue) = 1
Items on the floor = 1
Items on the table = 1
Items on the kitchen counter = 1
Plate of sushi = 1
Any item that triggers the sound “No, no, bad kitty” = 1

If you want to join Whisker Watchers, send me a bale of catnip and I’ll put you on the Membership List.

hungry? check the whiskers

Good luck with your own diet quest… Send pictures of your new svelte look!

photo credits:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pivic/42478801/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chrisinplymouth/3295283524/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/max_westby/18728858/

Posted in cat, diet, food, Uncategorized | Tagged cat, catfoodbreath, diet, feline, weight loss, whiskers | 1 Comment

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Cats

Posted on March 29, 2012 by CFB

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Cats

Habit 1: Be Proactive

Take initiative. Realize that you come first and that your needs take priority over everyone else’s.

it's all about the kitty

Habit 2: Begin with the Tail in Mind

If the tail ain’t happy, kitty ain’t happy.

Habit 3: Put First Things First

Prioritize your work based on importance: Eating, napping, looking cute, getting rid of the dog, snacking, finding sunshine, sleeping, shredding important documents = all important.

Habit 4: Think Win-Win

Aim for mutually beneficial solutions in your relationships. For example, the dog gets a new place to live and you get a dog-free life. The human gets to use the can opener, and you get snacks. Your staff gets to vacuum, and you get to nap on the couch. You get to try new adventures, the humans get to shop for new curtains.

a very effective cat

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Snack

Create an atmosphere of caring, respect, and problem solving that culminates in a full food bowl. Understand where the snacks are, and where your humans are weak. Exploit these combinations to maximize food opportunities.

Habit 6: Synergize

Use teamwork to achieve goals you can’t accomplish alone. For example, get the dog blamed for the broken vase. While the humans are yelling at the dog and cleaning up the mess, steal the chicken off the kitchen counter.

Habit 7: Sharpen the Claws

Self-explanatory. Always handy.

think inside the box

People think cats “just lie around” all day, doing nothing and being lazy. Nothing could be further from the truth. As proof, here is an excerpt from my diary, which outlines the details of one of my more hectic mornings……

I had to stand on Thing One and meow loudly for more than seven minutes today before it got up to feed me. I was forced to resort to some strategically placed stomping to get any real action. I can’t believe that humans with a role model like me can be so lazy that they would rather lounge in bed at 5 AM instead of getting up to open cat food cans.

this is a post-breakfast nap

After being offered some food from a small, expensive can, I felt obliged to ignore the meal in my bowl. I took over the warm spot in bed recently vacated by Thing One and then had to focus on ignoring all the cussing and complaining it was doing. Really, why do you people have cats if you aren’t interested in spoiling us? I decided to snack when Thing Two wasn’t looking.

Early-morning snooze

I stayed in bed for two full naps, as scheduled. By then Things One and Two had started their work routines, and I was free to do secret cat things for a few hours. By the time my classified feline chores were complete, I was exhausted, and barely had time to refuel with a meal and then retire to the couch.

This is a mid-morning nap

Half way between naps number nine and ten, I realized I hadn’t made time in my schedule for a workout. I squeezed in a full-body stretch, a yawn, and a roll-over. This set of core exercises covers aerobics, strength training, and flexibility. I made sure to replenish calories and carbohydrates after that iron man routine.

photo credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lambj/4653468321/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/nicora/293574031/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/cygnus921/2611964620/

*the jars, not the contents. You understand.

photo credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cwinters/5495535821/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/nibbula/214300282/

Photo credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/robinhutton/5389370856/

photo credits:

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Cats

Habit 7: Sharpen the Claws

photo credits:

photo credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/pswansen/216995731/

People think cats “just lie around” all day, doing nothing and being lazy. Nothing could be further from the truth. As proof, here is an excerpt from my diary, which outlines the details of one of my more hectic mornings……

I awoke with a start when my tummy alarm went off. Time to order lunch!

photo credits:

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